saturn in the sixth house

something is happening to my body that i don’t want to look at

because if i look at it

my heart breaks

and i can’t take it anymore

but intuitively i know what is happening

i just don’t know how to stop a moving train that appears to be moving at warp speed with no warning

do i give in?

surrender and accept what is happening?

or spend what precious energy i have left to fight like hell

maybe it’s a mixture of both

if i spend too much time dissociated from my body

i lose myself in my mind

a fun place to be most of the time because i still have most of my intellect in tact

something i’ve prided myself on for as long as i can remember

my mind

now riddled with trauma

can make me laugh often

so i stay in the mind

ascending into some sort of false mania

when i descend down into my body

it often feels like a descent into hell

a hellscape where i feel more and more fires starting in places i didn’t know existed

and i’m trying like hell to put them out

i have to trust they will end someday

but how much damage will be done?

how long will it take to recover?

will i ever recover fully?

my mind begins to spiral

and then i’m reminded

to just breathe in the present moment

my mind and body are used to escaping

a coping mechanism that once saved my life

but i need to remind myself

i am safe enough to be present now

day by day

moment by moment

i’m committed to being more here

to tell myself

it’s okay

i’m not going anywhere